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As an aside, I adore that Netflix is one of the Google ads that shows up on the online King James Bible. When I think Bible. I think Netflix.

Now back to our story. When we last left Abram he had been kicked out of Egypt but re-united with Lot. They got rich together and then, as family will, they couldn’t keep it together. They split the business. We are warned for some reason that the men of Sodom are evil. Abram went to Hebron and built an Altar. For his reward God made him a lot of promises. God, it seems likes saying much and doing little. Lot has moved to Sodom and gets kidnapped by a group of Kings. Abram joins the other side and they rescue Lot. Abram refuses a reward. God promises Abram that he will be a mighty nation that will be cursed. God is still wordy and doesn’t do a heck of a lot (no pun intended). 

Sarai complains to Abram that they have no kids but gives Abram her handmaid so that they can have a baby. This is the first documented case of surrogate mothering. Sarai gets angry at Hagar who is smug because she is pregnant with Abram’s baby. I think I saw this on All My Children. Hagar has a baby boy named Ishmael (who we later learn elsewhere is the father of Islam).

God now commands Abram to circumcise himself and every man in his household. Abram circumcises everyone because God said so.

So in Chapters 13 - 16 God says much and does little. We learn that Abram is called a Hebrew (but only because the letter J doesn’t exist in the semitic alphabet). We learn that God prefers His men to be circumcized. Lot lives in Sodom and gets kidnapped and Abram has to do a lot (pun intended). 

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I received my first encouragement this week in the form of hate mail. Aparently some people don’t like they way that we are reading the Bible. We are taking the literal word of God and we are reading it for the big science and history test for when the conservatives come to power and legislate that the Bible is science. If we find some discrepancies we are not trying to explain them away. We are reading the text respectfully and so I say to my detractors: tough shit. 

Onward. 

We left Noah in a drunken stupor and raging at his sons. He had just cursed the one that had seen him naked. No explanation needed. If I had been in an Ark full of animals for over 200 days then I too might want to tie one on. Or two. Or become a career alcoholic. It’s enough that Noah did what he was supposed to. Let’s leave him be. 

Then we bypass the Tower of Babel episode (covered earlier) so now we meet Abram the son of Terah who had been moved to Haran. 

¹ Now the LORD had said unto Abram, Get thee out of thy country, and from thy kindred, and from thy father’s house, unto a land that I will shew thee:

² And I will make of thee a great nation, and I will bless thee, and make thy name great; and thou shalt be a blessing:

³ And I will bless them that bless thee, and curse him that curseth thee: and in thee shall all families of the earth be blessed.

Substitute “Joel” for “Abram” and when I was seventeen years old this was the dream. Abram isn’t 17 though, he’s 75 and still living in his dad’s basement when God tells him to leave. And Abram being no idiot does what God commands. He leaves, along with Sarai his wife, Lot his cousin, the microwave oven, the large screen TV, the laptop, the playstation and some cash. And because there was a famine in the land Abram splits and takes his wife Sarai along (no mention of Lot his cousin). Abram tells Sarai to lie to the King of Egypt because he is afraid that if they tell the truth that the king will kill Abram and marry Sarai so he says “Tell him you’re my sister”. She does so. There’s a plague. The King of Egypt tells Abram “Why did you lie? You caused the plague.” Um. Who told The king of Egypt the Sarai lied? The text doesn’t say. This is what we call a plot hole. A plot hole big enough enough to throw a Bible through. 

So based on this this Abram and Sarai get tossed out of Egypt. And suddenly Abram is rich, so God tell Abram to ditch Lot. Did I say plot hole? Abram ditches Lot, and this is where I am going to ditch you my friends until our next installment. 

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It’s Sunday and that means time for another Bible Study. We are going to read the Bible together because if the Creationists have their way, The Bible, what they call the literal word of God, will replace ‘Science’ and you and I had better study or we’ll be left out in the cold. 

Now, the Noah story is familiar to us all and we all know what happened. Noah took a pair of every animal on the Ark and the world flooded and that’s why we have rainbows.

Not according to the text. Sure, that’s what Genesis 6 says, that Noah walked with God and that God asked Noah to create an Ark and take 2 of every kind. If you read Genesis 7, God’s order was a bit different. Not terribly so but enough to ask the question: WTF? See, in Genesis 7 God orders Noah to take 7 of every ‘clean’ animal and 2 of each of the others. So which was it? And how did Noah Noah know which animals were ‘clean’? I know we talk about cats as clean. Did Noah take 7 of each? And anyone who has been to a farm knows how foul cows smell. Did Noah only take 2 of them? What is a clean animal?

We know the animals were safe because the Ark conatianed ‘The Breath of Life”. Is the breath of life minty fresh? Or cinnamon? A sublime air freshener to be hung from the holy rear view mirror? And on a confessional note, I have to admit that I’ve kissed some girls who breath was the opposite. What does that say about God’s breath? Having been on a farm, maybe the breath of life is the smell that clung to the Ark? Ewwww. 

So. Noah, who was ordered by God took either 2 or 7 of every animal took them, his wife and their families on the Ark. Then “God remembered Noah”. Phew. Thank heaven for the celestial Blackberry, You don’t want to be travelling with hundreds of animals in an enclosed space and be forgotten. Still you’d think that God, being God, wouldn’t forget Noah, after all, He sent Noah off in the first place. It’s like sending out a space shuttle and then later remembering it. Whoops! Sorry we forgot you out there. 

And the Ark rested on Mount Ararat? Whoops! On the Mountains of Ararat. Just a little different. Instead of resting in Rocky Mountain, Colorado, the Ark came to rest in the Rocky Mountains. Celestial Blackberry does not have a Celestial GPS. Noah, being a man, didn’t ask for directions. They just camped out where they were, Homer Simpson style. 

But, Joel, what about the rainbow? Is that when God made the Rainbow? Yes it is. God made a covenant with Noah that if He decided to destroy the world again that instead he would show a rainbow. The happy Rainbow. Beautiful. A reminder that God is reminding Himself not to destroy the world again. A heavenly string on the finger. So, every time we see a rainbow, God is reminding Himself not to destroy the world again. This is much like the Mafia guys who remind you how safe you are because you are paying protection every week. Enjoy. 

The story according to the text then goes like this: Noah was ordered to take either two or seven of each species onto the Ark. God destroyed the world then forgot about Noah. Fortunately God then remembered Noah, saved him and his family and remind us on a regular basis that He could destroy us but doesn’t. 

See you next week. 

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