Joel West, Comic

Conservative Bullshit 101 

(First disclaimer. By using the word conservative I realize that I am opening up a can of worms. There are many people out there who continue to hold conservative ideals with whom I can hold conversations and friendships. This post is not dedicated to them. This post is dedicated to those ‘neo-conservatives’ who through ignorance, fear mongering and fuzzy logic are destroying the credibility of their brethren and giving the word ‘conservative’ a bad name.)

(Second disclaimer: I am an unabashed liberal.)

These are tough times to be a conservative. Of course all times are tough times to be a conservative. Thus we follow the rule of Von Clausewitz: The best defense is a good offense. Be as offensive as possible at all times.

When in doubt make it up. Nobody really knows the facts anyhow. If need be, just call it the will of God.

Further to this, do NOT listen to the other side. If they were doing God’s will they would be on your side supporting you. If possible don’t even let them talk. Who wants to hear Godless garbage anyhow? If you must, pretend to listen while waiting to be offensive again. This is the mental equivalent of your 3 year old plugging his ears going ‘I can’t hear you’. It works.

Call people names. Liberals hate plain talk so bamboozle them. Mudsling. Remember, it doesn’t matter HOW you win as long as you are on the winning side.

If you do have a fact or two at hand, distort it. Only pansies use real unadorned facts.

Be ignorant. Don’t know the difference between a theory and a hypothesis. (Don’t even bother to look those up). Call someone a Communist Nazi. Who cares if it makes sense. They are both bad and two bad things together MUST be terrible.

Claim higher authority. The Bible is the ultimate arbiter not some silly constitution.

Justify. Rationalize. Win at all costs.

Never concede anything. This is a sign of weakness. If it looks like you might lose a point, attack. It is not about fairness or right and wrong. It is about win and lose. And losers are liberals.

God is a conservative. Period.

When it comes down to it support other conservatives even if what they say or do contradicts any good sense. Not because they are intelligent. Not because they are right. Because they are conservative.