It would be simple to dismiss Mitt Romney as a simple sociopath with a mayonaise coating, but we serious people don’t just call people names. We dig for facts. We weigh and balance, we caution and then we mete out our reasoned and balanced judgement in well crafted sentences. Even if I believed, for example, that Mitt Romney is so pure that he masturbates to the photos of women’s foundation garments in the Sear’s catalogue, it would be wrong for me to assert this as a fact.  The fact, however is this, underneath the Mormon mask, Mitt Romney is a liar of the Richard Nixon variety. Romney and his ilk are the reason that the USA is now despised and feared around the world, not as a nation of men, but a nation of cowards. But I digress.

Romney is a liar. Oh, the pundits think that they are being cruel when they say that he ‘flip flops’ but let’s say that he lies. He lied about thee automotyive industry, he lied about living in his kid’s unfinished basement, he lied about his conduct in school, he lied about health care. The man probably lies on his taxes, not that we would know as he refuses to release his income tax documents. The last public official to make such a refusal was Spiro T. Agnew and here we are back to Nixon.

He is a bullying Gay basher who likes making his dog ride on the roof of his car in the name of fun. This is the same kind of fun that kids have when they decapitate squirrels and pull the legs off of spiders. He tries to take credit for the work of others and gets hurt when you point it out. He says one thing and then does the exact opposite. His core beliefs seem to be that of Al Capone or Bugsy Siegel and Murder Incorporated.

His company, Bain Capital, buys companies, milks them for every liquid penny, probably borrows heavily on the asssets, pays dividends and then declares bankruptcy. This methodology borrows heavily from the tactics of the Cosa Nostra. The now unemployed workers are left to fend for themselves. This is the man who opposed bail outs to the auto industry. Because of the bail outs, Romney and his cronies were prevented from pillaging the American auto industry. Now that the auto industry has recovered, he is taking credit for the recovery. This is more than nerve. In a word, this is sheer psychopathy.

I wouldn’t trust Romney with my grandmother, and she’s dead.

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Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is an untreated alcoholic and drug adddict. He may also be a compulsive over eater and sex addict, but, he has definitely been arrested on several  occaisons for impaired driving, posssesion of drugs and refusing to blow into a breathalyzer. He has shown by his actions that he is imperious, restless, irritable, discontented, paranoid and delusional. Also he has no sense of humor. And he’s just butt fuck ugly.

Apologies, to anal sex enthusiasts. I don’t want any sex act to conjure up the image of Rob Ford.

Mayor Ford’s “Cut The Waist” challenge, where he was going to lose 50 lbs. has been so successful that he has gained weight. He has proven to be a figure of fun and is so riduculous and inefective that he is despised and taken as seriously as a villiage idiot.

Now, Mayor Ford wants to purchase a piece of public land, because he feels that he is insecure without it. He will take this public green space and build a fenced in compound for alcoholic, drug fueled orgies. And he says he wants to do this because he says he feels scared. He needs security. He needs his hand held. He is under attack.

Let’s look at the evidence. Who has actually physically attacked Rob Ford?

One attack on Rob Ford came in the form of comic actress Mary Walsh of the satiric show  “This Hour Has 22 Minutes”.  Ms. Walsh is a multiple award winning comedienne, actresss and is well known in Canada. She has previously ‘attacked’ Toronto Mayors, many Canadian Premiers, Prime Ministers and Governors General and not only did the ambushed survive, but, in many cases, her ambushes actually helped the “victim’s” cause. Rob Ford, being the delusional paranoid that he is, just called the police. Well played, Rob.

Attack number two was even worse.  His wife’s sister’s ex boyfriend got drunk and started pounding the door after midnight. And no, our mayor does not live in a trailer park even though the above actions might make you want to place him there. He lives in the suburbs.

The third attack was even worse. The mayor was being investigated by the press and instead of a newspaper reporter, in his paranoid alcohol fueled delusions, he saw a peeping tom.

And now the Mayor feels that these attacks are justification enough to allow him to buy public land. Look Rob, I know you’ve gained weight on your diet but that doesn’t mean you need to buy more land. You just need to stop the gravy train, to your mouth.  

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Please note: Everything that I have written below is either fact, opinion or speculation. Any facts that cannot be verified should be taken as opinion. Take that libel laws.

The 2012 election is boring. All the really interesting GOP candidates have dropped out of the race. The survivor is so boring and sad that he should be bottled and sold as a sleep remedy. Yes, I mean Mitt Romney. The saddest part is that to keep his name in the news he has had to have his own people leak scurrilous and defaming history about himself. He is a pathetic excuse, not only for a candidate or Governor, but also for a human being.

I don’t even think that Romney knows that he directly contradicts himself. He just wants to be president. He is willing to use any means necessary: lies, contradiction, bullshit, magic tricks, razzle dazzle, and bribery. And he is physically and emotionally incapable of using razzle dazzle. He is boring.

I know that his wife and friends say he has a sense of humor. This is like your mom saying that you’re handsome. They might believe it but we don’t believe it and it doesn’t make it true. And then to prove how madcap and wacky Governor Android can be his people release a story illuminating what a merry prankster he is. Turns out, that Mitt the Wit, the prep school grad, used to harrass “an effeminate” classmate. That’s right campers, Mitty the witty is pretty shitty. His sense of humor turns out to be grounds for criminal charges. Haahahahahaha!

All of this aside, Mitt Romney has been cast as Dean Wormer and his crew are Alpha House. He’s supposed to lose in the end. And in comparison, while President Obama is no Delta house, he is much more palatable and just plain likeable. He’s like the rescue team in Revenge of the Nerds who saves the Lambda Lambda Lambdas just in the nick of time.

So what can Mitt Romney do to save his campaign?

If I were him, I would have an empathy chip implanted.

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Dear Diary

I don’t get what all the fuss is about. Mitty is a good man who, when he has a job, tries to provide for us. The fact that he teased a sissy boy, for being a sissy boy, is not wrong. It’s what real men do. That’s how we know who is better and a natural leader, and who is a lower class of person. It’s the way the universe was created.

There is a natural order to the universe. The strongest are leaders. Those who are lower, serve. I wouldn’t expect to bring Lupina, the cook, a cup of coffee in the morning, just like she wouldn’t expect me to bring it to her. It’s wrong and it might give her ideas. In the same way, sissy boys are there to be teased until they mend their ways or become hair dressers. It’s just natural.

Similarly, these gays and their ideas of wanting to be like normal people is just wrong. They aren’t normal, they never will be normal, and giving the same rights as normal people is just giving them a hope that is tragic. What ever happened to the days when men could live together and sleep in the same bed and nobody thought anything of it. Or that two women could be spinsters together, not being good enough to have a man, and finally die in the same house with their cats. All this talk of ‘rights’ is just sad.

Even worse is that man in the White House. He’s giving all sorts of people the wrong message, just by being president. What happened to the days when people knew where they belonged in society?

When my Mitty becomes president, life will become simpler again. Men will be men, women will be women, sisssys will go back to doing what it is that they do and those wrong headed women will go back to being gym teachers.

This is my hope for America.

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Dear Diary

May the Lord bless Ricky Santorun and his lovely wife, what’s her name. In endorsing Mitty for president Ricky Santorum has shown that Catholics are almost as good as Jews. I should really talk to Mitty about baptising dead Catholics next, so they can also enjoy the glory of the after life. Of course that might cause some sort of hooraw, but what can you do, if you’re just trying to do good and ignorant people can’t see it.

I remember that one time when Ricky and what’s her name came over one day on governor’s business and Ricky got his fingers caught in that Oriental finger trap. We laughed and laughed and Ricky fell over again and hurt his head again. Lupina had to get him a bandage and Jorge had to get the shears and release him from that thing. And he wanted to drink water from a sippy cup. Still, if his endorsement of Mitty means anything it will be worth putting up with him and what’s her name.

It’s terrible that Mitty has to keep defending his ideas. Of course he was responsible for the revival of America’s auto industry. By refusing to give them the money that they so desperately needed they had to become smart and resourceful. The fact that they did finally get the money that saved them from the federal government is a true testament to Mitty. He made them work for that money in true Christian fashion.

The fact that the Liberal Press wants to deny my Mitty the true credit for saving the economy almost makes me want to withdraw some money from one of his Swiss bank accounts and buy Cleveland, but Mitty says that since he’s unemployed right now, we have to budget and simplify. I know if we could get the message out to common Americans how like them we are, that we understand them and their trials, Mitty would be a shoe in for President. Still, it’s extremely daunting and hard to live on a budget of $20,000 a week. But I try. If things get too bad we may have to explain to Lupina and Jorge that we simply can’t afford both of them and that while $100 may seem a lot, it comes out of our monthly living budget. Of course, they are so much a part of the family, perhaps I could convince them to live with Seamus, and that no, we wouldn’t make them ride on the roof of the car, but that if they wanted to travel with us, that the Caddilacs are full.

Now on to Tampa Bay!

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Dear Diary

Yes, God has seen fit to gift me with Multiple Sclerosis and, yes, I bear it proudly. Can you imagine that some people call this a disease? It is a gift so that I can proudly show Americans that you don’t need socialized medicine and free doctors and hospitals to live with a an incurable illness. All it takes is a team of nurses, personal care workers, special lifts, a special motorized bed, 3 new bathtubs, several wheel chairs, walkers and scooters, a special personal cook, massage therapists, specialized naturopathic spas, occupational and physiotherapy a fleet of 7 specially fitted Caddilacs (one for every day of the week) and faith in God’s healing power. And I am proof of His healing power. Really, the average American is like a spoiled child, demanding work and food and wages and medical care. Like Andy and Dave Koch say: “Let them eat faith.”

It’s like when Seamus rode to Canada on the roof of the car. We didn’t make a mistake or forget to bring that dog into the car. He loved riding up there. It was a special treat to allow Seamus to show his loyalty and devotion and obedience as one of the lower creatures. It was a thrill for him much like Viet Nam or Afghanistan was a thrill for our troops and serving allowed them to show their commitment and loyalty and willingness to serve their country and follow orders, no matter how assinine those orders may be. Or like when we give Newt Gingrich fifty dollars to eat a bug. Even Jorge the groundskeeper laughs at that.

I think Jorge is making eyes at Lupina our cook. Romance is so adorable, especially when it’s among equals. That is another tragedy today, when young people think they are better than themselves and try and get too big. Thank heavens for people like Herman Cain, who know their place.  He makes me smile, especially when he says: “I’m gonna become President” and then Lupina has to wipe the drool from his face. I’m so glad Mitty has him around here to comfort me and to fetch small items.

Faith for America!

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Dear Diary

I don’t know why they make fun of the Latter Day Saints. All we want is to help people live correctly. And if they’re dead, we baptize them to make sure that they died correctly.It was unkind and wicked of those awful gays to baptize Mitty’s daddy as homosexual after he was dead especially since he he was my guide when Mitty was off helping those poor French people understand that love and God are only truly obtainable through submission to an Elder and through marrying the women of your dreams.

Some folks make fun of the ‘temple garment’,  the so called ‘secret underwear’ that Mitty’s daddy made me wear. It was crafted by a special Mormon designer named Victoria and came with her name on the label. Georgie made me promise to keep it our secret, but I think I can let it all out to my diary. Now Mitty himeself doesn’t care for Victoria’s Secret undergarments. Oh no. He prefers undergarments made in Salt Lake City  and he has only worn those since he got his ‘Endowment’. Of course, Mitty’s Endowment always seemed lacking, especially in comparisson to his Daddy and to Kimmy’s Endowments. Of course Kimmy is just a Professor while my Mitty will President, as soon as those nice (but Gentile) Koch brothers decide to buy the presidency for him. And like Mitty says, who cares how big an Endowment is when you have the power to press the button that will destroy the world.

And I will be First Lady.

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Dear Diary

The lying liberal press has been reporting that my Mitty is ‘stiff’ and ‘unresponsive’. This is such a false narrative. He is wild man! Even last night he said to me, “Mrs Romney, I think instead of Meat loaf Monday we should counter the lying liberal lying press’ allegations and have Pizza.” Of course, that threw Lupina, our cook,  for a loop, but Mitty can be such a scoundrel! Even last month, when David and Andrew Koch came over to give Mitty his orders, he insisted on calling David by the name “Dave”. Madcap!

And passionate! Every lady knows that when it comes to the weekly “wifely duties” that you lie back and dream of Caddilacs and, as always,  in 30 seconds it’s over. Well Mitty was so passionate last night that he took an extra 15 seconds. Even he noticed that he took an extra 15 seconds, because after the usual post ‘relations’ vomiting, he promised that when he becomes President, that he will get me a sister wife to take over those duties.

Seriously, can’t people leave my Mitty alone. When will the people of America realize that they can only truly be free under a government that treats them like employees who can be fired at a moment’s notice, when the Chief Executive Officer of government is chosen, not by employees but by those with a real investment in America, that women and gentiles know their place?

And then we can go back to meatloaf Mondays.

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I want to state first, that I am NOT anti gun. I like guns. I know how to shoot and how to clean a gun. Now….

The NRA tells us that “Guns don’t kill people, people kill people”. They miss the point.. Guns are weapons that are designed to kill. They are pure offense. If someone says that she is buying a gun to defend herself herself, then she doesn’t understand what it is that guns do.

What you have is machine that uses an explosive to propel a small chunk of lead toward another human being at close to the speed of sound. When this lead heits a human body it flattens and spreads out. The shock liquifies human organs. The soft lead spreads inside the human body and shreds everything in its way. The only defense against a gun is to not be in the way. Even Kevlar vests are only partially effective in absorbing the shock and deflecting a speeding bullet. This is not defensive. This is pure offense.

So to reiterate: Guns, when wielded by people, kill people. Period.

George Zimmerman owned a gun. He killed Trayvon Martin. I want to bet that George Zimmerman was shocked that Trayvon Martin was killed. After all, he was only defending himself. I want to bet that George Zimmerman had watched a lot of TV and movies and he believed what they portray about guns and what happens when you shoot someone. Or if not, he bought the lie that guns are a good defense. And a young boy was killed.

Surprise!

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Wedding season is approaching quickly. Here is a short list of wedding don’ts.

1: Auction off nude pictures of the bride

2: Mumble the word “bullshit” dring the vows

3: Make out with the Groom’s mom with visible tongue

4: Sell Amway or time shares to the built in crowd

5: When the officiant asks if anyone objects, clear your throat loudly

6: Arrive in a clown suit and do obscene magic tricks. If anyone objects, complain about the fucking circus.

7: Sing loudly and off key “I Knew The Bride When She Used To Rock And Roll”

8: Anything to with corpses of any species.

9: Games of “Paddle Tag”

10: Tell people you met the bride at the free clinic. Then wink.

11: Mention loudly how the groom looks so natural and just like he’s sleeping

12: Tell people that the bride and groom met on the Internet at “meet an inmate.com”

13: Ask the groom if the sores have healed

14: Take hostages and demand ransom.

15: Soil yourself

16: If the bride and groom have composed their own vows, make loud vomit noises

17: Do a 30 minute rendition of all your bird impressions, culminating in the Great Eagle

18: Introduce yourself as both the bride’s and the groom’s ex lover.

19: Scream “Meat is murder” loudly and splash the bride with red paint

20: Introduce yourself as “Reverend Quunt” and spell it out

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