Joel West, Comic

First things first: Dave McConnell.

Now onwards...

A confession: I am an unauthorized comedian. I don't have my union badge. I don't belong to The Comedian's Guild. I don't have my funny papers.

And in some senses, that is an absurd statement. Laughter is an instinctive thing. Intuitively we all know what is funny. And yet in our culture we pay people to make us laugh. That's their job. We even have the amuse-a-tron (AKA the TV and computer). And the unwritten statement is 'amuse me now you piece of shit!'

So let's say I do get off my fat ass (mine is) and decide to go out and be amused. Well, first there is sketch comedy. And improv. And plays. We have movies for people to go see. And finally there is stand up comedy.

If you live in a big city, there's the local comedy club, the Laugh Trough. That's the place that for 99% of the year, Bill Anonymous the headliner, along with Roger Middle and Local Hack the MC all do their best to make you laugh. If he's lucky, Bill will have played on HBO or Comedy Central. He or she may have been on Last Comic Kvetching. Or won a local contest. Roger is on his way to becoming a headliner. Local Hack is making notes and 'rewriting' some of Bill's best bits, diluting them and making them his own. Occasionally the BIG club will hire a name headliner. They will tack on $5.00 to the price of the ticket and bump the drink prices up a dollar as specials. Or the local Theatre Centre will have a bona fide 'CELEBRITY' comedian one who has become famous and charges $100+ a ticket, so that you can see the new stuff that they are prepping for next year's sit com. As an encore, they may do the piece you saw on Letterman 3 weeks ago.

If you live in a big enough city, they may even have a comedy festival. This is where the young guns used to get their chance. Now, usually, it's people who will be a draw. They may chance a few newer comics who will appeal to all. Squeaky clean. Sanitized comedy.

And then there's me and my mates. Where do we fit in the eco-system? Nowhere. We do comedy at the Laugh Trough on open mic nights, if we are lucky enough to get a spot. Sometimes we will open a comedy night at a local bar or cafe. But, my friend, we are not authorized comedians. We don't fit. So who does fit?

Are you already a member of ACTRA. Have some credits? Or SAG or AFTRA in the US? Are you young? Do you have a 'look'? Do you have a hook or a gimmick? Are you already represented? It really doesn't matter if you are 'funny'. What matters is that you get the rhythm down. That the audience thinks you are funny. See Andy Kindler's Guide The Hacks Handbook. There you can create HOURS of material. If that doesn't work for you, then you may want to take a class in Stand Up comedy. And of course, market yourself.

Some of the absolutely funniest people I know just don't fit. They are hilarious. They are just not going to get cast as the hero in the next buddy pic. They are not going to get cast as leading men. Some of these people don't fit the Hollywood mold. . But MAN are they funny!  Grumpy's Bar, for example,  on Tuesday nights has an open mic where anyone can do whatever act they choose. There are musicians and spoken word artists. And of course, stand up comics, hungry to try out new material.

It's not all bad. I get to perform. I work hard at it. But I know the reality, and the reality is that unless I suddenly lose 20 years and suddenely get a look, I am never going to be a star. Because these days, authorized comedy wants a package and baby the package ain't me.

So what did I learn?

At the industry sessions, I learned that it's hard to write for late night TV. I learned that The Onion is secretive (and hilarious. Actually I knew beforehand that they are hilarious). I discovered Jim Jeffries. I met up with some old aquaintances and learned that we were still aquaintances.

What was really brought home for me, what crystalized, is the difference between comedians, good old stand ups, and the industry people. When I go to my local comedy club and I perform it's easy for me to forget that comedy is ubiquitous. It's on TV, on the radio and on the Internet. I can always find someone trying to make me laugh. Radio DJs hire joke writers.  Funny or Die and College Humor as well as other sites were well represented at Just For Laughs. And their needs are not the same as my needs. Or the needs of the stand up comic.

When we talk comedy we are talking several completely different eco-systems.

A stand up comic requires a light, a stage and a PA system. That's all. It's pretty cheap. A sketch comedy troupe writes its own material and generally requires a stage, a lighting person and a director. Funny or Die doesn't care whether or not I killed last night at Big Bob's Laugh Stop in Hooterville, Wisconsin. What they post is video clips. And their clips are generally skits. To create a skit, I need actors, a video camera and a director. A writer. A 5 minute sketch can take all day to produce.TV has other needs. It's a completely different eco-system from stand up and video sketches. Movies have huge budgets and take months to complete. And the Movies and TV are terrified by the Internet.

So ultimately what did I learn?

I learned that while consumption of comedy and comedic media are greater than ever, nobody knows how to make money from it. And people are scared and because of that Industry people are not making deals any more. I learned that I love performing and that many of my peers, my fellow stand ups, respect what I do.

I learned that in my secret heart of hearts that one day I will be performing at Just For Laughs whether they know it yet or not.

Tomorrow... Authorized comedy.

So where did I leave off? As I recall I was telling you all about my JFL experience and promised to drop some names. Hmmm...

So, I did chat briefly with Harland Williams. And Mike Wilmot. And Derek Edwards. And Angelo Tsarouchas. And Derek Seguin.  I had a photo taken with Orny Adams. I schmoozed some with 'Mama' Jo Anna Downey and Cal Post. I shook Andy Kindler's hand. I got a hug (swoon) from Kristen Von Hagen. I also met some comedic actors. And one thing I will say for absolute certain: Stand up comics, real bonafide stand up comics are generous with their time. Not so much comedic actors. Not so much at all. And agents, managers and talent scouts will talk to anyone as long as you are willing to listen. And you might ask yourself, why the difference?

The answer is simple. Stand up comics, real true blue 100% stand ups, rely on being able to communicate. They need to be able, in as few words as possible, to talk to anyone. It's a skill. Within the first minute of a stand up performance they need to be able to get to you. Not so much a comedic actor. Their job is to communicate with a camera. With a director. And with Regis Philbin. Period.

Also a comedian has different worries. A comedian is contantly deconstructing conventions. Taking things apart. Looking to make funny. A comedic actor is worried about giving a good reading. And by giving a good reading, I mean learning to swallow. A comedian is creating a full performance. A comedic actor is usually reading someone else's words. And an agent, essentially a business person, takes 10% and who knows what the next big thing might be?

So, Just for laughs brings those elements together. And also, Just For Laughs attracts clubs owners. People from the studios. Guys and gals like me. And regular members of the public.

And it all comes together, for me at the Saturday night Alternative show.

Why the Alternative show? Why not, you may ask yourself, one of the galas? First, I like my comedy gritty. I like it real. At the Galas the big name performers put on a longer show. There are some wonderful acts, but remember, the galas are also sanitized for your protection. You may hear one or two naughty ripostes. But you will not see down and dirty stand up. The kind that goes for the jugular. So then you may ask, why not the dirty show?

Because I am not interested in a dirty show, per se. It seems to me that a lot of 'dirty' comics try too hard to just be dirty. I wanted 'cutting edge' comedy and that's what I found at the Alternative show. Andy Kindler the host of the Alternative Show is a comic's comic. He has written the 'Hacks Handbook' a great guide on how NOT to perform comedy which is also hilarious. I fell in love with Natasha Leggero. And Neil Hamburger. Garfunkel and Oates are two of the most talented women in the world. Mark Little. Just Mark Little. None of their acts was a standard 'What about that airline food, what's the whole deal with condoms. I'm half irish and half pekinese'. All original cutting edge but not to everyone's taste. For me, this is what Just for Laughs is all about.

And after the alternative show is when the real party started, Back to the Hyatt. Up in the main lobby bar perhaps 300 or 400 or the top comic talent in North America, their agents and managers and hangers on all schmoozing and drinking and on the patio smoking until 6 AM.

And tomorrow: What did I learn?

The past few days I took in some of the Just For Laughs festival in Montreal, where I live. While I am a comedian, I wasn't a show comedian. I got to attend some industry funtions. I met some people that, normally, would have been completely off access. There's a big "But". I was also excluded from a lot of parties and debauchery. I didn't know about some events that I could have easily attended until after they were over. Also I still work a day job, so the two big events that I wanted to attend were completely closed to me. What follows then, ot a completely self centered approach to the past few days and also a completely subjective approach to what I liked, what I disliked and what I really don't give a shit about.

Tuesday night I just hung out at The Comedyworks a local club, which was hosting "Best of the Fest". Prior to that I was doing 'unauthorized comedy'. Yes, Virginia in the comedy industry, especially in Mobtreal, there is mainstream authorized comedy, and alternative unauthorized comedy. Do the two intermingle? Sometimes. That was the case on Tuesday night where I performed a set at Bistro L'Etranger and then walked over to the 'Works'. At the 'Works' and outside, Local comics were milling about along with Industry people who were in town early. The club was gracious enough to have a live, closed circuit, feed to the bar downstairs and the Industry people were gracious enough to talk during the feed. Still I saw some comedians I knew, some that I didn't and I did leave early. Early by Montreal standards, that is to say, midnight. I met some old friends. I met some old aquaintances. Mostly it was a nice evening.

Wednesday I wasted. Bad Joel! Yes, I wasted an entire day. I do, I will reiterate, have a day job and they pay me to work. So I worked.

Now, more secrets. I was slipped a pass to 'Zoofest'. Now Zoofest is not Just For Laughs. Think of it as JFL's place for acts that are not strictly stand up. There is one noteable exception and we'll come to it in a few paragraphs. But the cool thing about a Zoofest pass is that, unless you were being careful and keeping people out of events (like industry parties), a Zoofest pass looked like an all events pass. It got me immediate acceptance from the people who didn't know better.

Thursday was the Keynote speech. And damn it I had to work, so I missed it. Shit, fuck and damn. But the thing I was looking forward to on Thursday night was a movie. The screening of "American: The Bill Hicks Story". I -hearted- it. I really loved the movie very much. It made me happy. And leaving the movie I got to meet the directors. The directors are STILL looking for distribution sp PLEASE PLEASE contact them and make them an offer someone. It will be worth it. It's a documentary, it's really well done.

From there my friend and I caught Jim Jeffries' show "Alcoholocaust". Here is where the Zoofest pass came in handy. I got to walk in and see the show. For free. No ticket required. Awesome!

The show itself was remarkable. Funny, yes, in a very mainstream, way. (Disclaimer: I prefer 'alternative and non maintream acts). A full hour show with the most remarkable part for me being the last 25 minutes.

And from there (I am a boring man) I went home.

Friday, Friday, Friday!!!

Friday Afternoon, Andy Kindler made his state of the Industry address. I was working. Damn! Friday Afternoon Paul Provenza signed his new book Satiristas. I was working. Friday Afternoon, Doug Stanhope did a show across the street from the Festival at a local car wash. I was working. You get the picture. Next year I will be taking that week as part of my vacation. And that evening, I had a gig. More unauthorized comedy. But I got back to town sooner than I thought. I tried to get a rush ticket to the Alternative show. Sold out. I was able to hang about the hotel where the Festival was centered. I was not able to attend a party given for industry and comics. Damn you Zoofest pass! I did get to meet up with a couple of old aquaintances and buy a $5.00 coke. Hooray!

Saturday was, for me, what the festival was all about!

I got up bright and early (10 AM) and slowly made my way down to the venue. I attended a couple of industry conferences. I rubbernecked and looked about for famous people. I had a $5.00 bottle of water and hung out on the patio with some old aquaintances. Mostly fun.

At 7 PM was a screening of the new TV show Children's Hospital. It's holarious. Set in a fictitious hospital, the show covers the relationships, sex lives and even, sometimes, the medical goings on. It will be on the Adult Swim portion of Cartoon Network and it is hilarious. Watch it. Support it. Go to Adultswim.com and view it.Then com back. Do it now, I'll wait!

I'm going to end this post here and continue tomorrow.

Sufficeth to say it was an awesome time and in the next post I name drop.

A few nights ago I had a free evening. I turned on the TV and was bombarded with over 200 channels all screaming at me to buy something. I needed whiter whites! I needed whiter teeth! I was too hairy in some places and my hair was the wrong color in others! Someone thought that I needed Cialis while someone else thought Viagra! I decided to let them fight it out.

I continued flipping through the channels. All that was on were game shows. On one show, called The Bachelor the prize was another person. On another show, Intervention,  a group teamed up and if they won, the person they were confronting would go away for 28 days to rehab. On yet another, Real Housewives, they got people to humiliate themselves and others in public (there didn’t seem to be a prize). On Dr. Phil, people aired their person problems in public and in the last 20 minutes they got solved by a nice man with a drawl who offered some platitudes.In one more if one of the people won the show they got a job as a chef.

And nobody looked ashamed.

And now because it’s cheap programming Global TV in Canada has launched a 24 hour reality TV network. I thought we had one. It’s called MTV. Do we really really need a second ALL reality TV station?

All of these so called reality shows are staged and choreographed. People are chosen for their look and and for their malleability. Situations are set up. Retakes are done. These guys make pro wrestling look real! Juxtapose this with the world of ‘Infotainment’ where real ‘News’ is dressed up to look like entertainment. Who knows what reality is?

If you can’t differentiate between reality and fantasy then you are delusional. What the media is doing is turning us into a delusional culture. We don’t know what reality of fantasy is. It’s all spin. And the only true reality show is the 24 hour weather network.

It’s been a week.

The men and women who were arrested have been released. The police are blaming the protesters. The protesters blame the police. The mayor is mum. The Prime Minister is hiding.

Yes I mean you, Mr. Stephen Joseph Harper.

Ultimately the blame is yours. No you didn’t march. You were too busy ‘doing business.’ While you frolicked around the two hundred thousand dollar fake lake, cavorting with leaders from other countries, you ate and ‘did business’. You stood for photo ops and did business. And while you did so, your SS infringed on people’s civil liberties.

Mr. Harper, as a concerned citizen, I really need to ask this question: What were you thinking?

You’re not a stupid man, Steve. You went to college. You studied economics (not law which in itself is refreshing). You helped mastermind the dry gulching and take over of the Progressive Conservative party by the Reformists. You stabbed Stockwell Day, then the leader of the party, in the back (and good for you). And you got to be Prime Minister. Not bad for a middle lower class white guy from Leaside.

So what happened? Are you that out of touch with Canadians that you could not foresee problems?  Are you that far removed from Canadians (an accusation you made against Pierre Trudeau) that you could not tell trouble was a brewing? Are you so distanced from your roots of being a common man that you didn’t know that putting a major economic summit in the middle of urban city would cause protesting?

I’m just trying to figure it out Steve.

Even the Liberals were smart enough to put large summits like this out of town. Were you misinformed? Misled? Mistaken?

All we’ve heard from you, Stevie baby, is SILENCE. Maybe you’ve kept silent because you’ve heard silence is golden and you like gold too much? Maybe it’s because you are so horrified that the civil rights of the people who did protest were violated. Maybe it’s because you feel terrible that police went amok and did illegal searches far away from any protest area? Or maybe, just maybe, you just don’t care.

Mr. Prime Minister, we do care. We Canadians are now dedicated to defeating your government. But more than that, Mr. Right Honorable Stephen Joseph Harper, we are dedicated to defeating YOU. You made it personal with your uncaring silence. You made it personal when your police acted illegally, you made it personal when you created the problem in the fist place and Mr. Harper you made it personal when you said NOTHING.

We know what you are waiting for Mr. Harper. You are listening to your high priced spin doctors, the ones that come out of OUR tax dollars, and you are waiting for them to spin you a way out. There is no way out of silence. Silence is cowardly and you Stevie baby are a coward and a bully. And seriously, good luck in the next election. You’ll need it.

Dear Officers:

I know it’s scary out there. There are all sorts of trouble makers. They do not respect you or your authority. They scorn what you have to say. They belittle you and your orders. They are undisciplined and rowdy. Thus my letter to you.

Remember why you are out here. You are here to preserve order. If someone is protesting our wonderful Torontonian or Canadian way of life then, by definition, they do not love order. Any protester is a potential enemy.

These people are sneaky. They dress as ordinary citizens. Suspect everyone.

There are some give aways. These are subtle and crafty people so, as a tip, when preserving order, arrest everyone. If anyone refuses to identify herself with proper government issued identification, arrest them. Remember, that although there is no law requiring them to so, we who love law and order will support you.

Don’t attack people on bicycles. They wear helmets and padding.

If someone questions an order, arrest them. They obviously do not respect the authority of your badge. They are undisciplined and must be made an example of.

We will provide you with weapons. We know you have guns, but we will make available to you tear gas and sound cannons. Remember, the best defense is a good offense. You are at war with the citizens of the city. And you will win.

The most important thing is that the G20 meetings happen undisturbed. Forget about normal day to day business that until now was lawful. Forget about about the rights of citizens to lawfully congregate. Forget about the fact that until now Toronto had a wonderful reputation that has now been besmirched with fire, gas and blood. It all means nothing.

The imperative is the meetings.

Remember that your reputation is under attack.

Keep the peace at all costs. Even war.

Kim Il-sung

President

North Korea

Mr. Harper what were you thinking? To hold a summit in a populated area like Toronto? It shows contempt, lack of planning, lack of foresight and just plain stupidity. Shame on you, you coward!

First you spend millions of dollars of tax payers money on boondoggles. A fake lake. Beautification of areas that the delegates would never see but are coincidentally in areas that are parts of ridings belonging to your party. The platitudes. The fact that the only NGO allowed into the press area supports your policies. But this is last straw.

You knew Mr.Harper. You knew that Toronto needed scaring. So, you planned a world summit in a city that was wide open to your chicanery. You planned the summit in such a way that PEACEFUL demonstrators would be harassed and harried. And then when it was too quiet you formented a riot. It would not surprise me if you had agents provocateurs in the crowd. And you are saying NOTHING! COWARD!

Toronto police were force to use tear gas on once peaceful demonstrators.

Toronto police are now arresting provably innocent people.

Toronto police have become your SS Mr. Harper.

And you and I both know that ‘security measures’ will require a loss of civil liberties for the city of Toronto, for all cities in Canada and for all Canadians.

All for a riot that COULD have been avoided.

Let’s pretend Mr. Harper. Let’s assume you were innocent. Let’s assume that you had no idea about the potential for rioting and that you actually gave a damn. If that were so then you would have planned a summit in a rural area AS HAS BEEN DONE IN THE PAST. But no Mr.Harper. You wouldn’t do that. It had to be staged in a city, in Canada’s biggest city where you could manipulate the outcomes. Where you could stage a riot and actually have it come to fruition.

Mr. Harper, Canada is a good country and Toronto is a good city, despite evil scum like you. Quite frankly Mr. Harper, I bet you wash you hands now. You call for a further loss of civil liberties in the name of your summit. And Mr. Harper you hold Toronto and its citizens hostage.

You will be pure tomorrow, Mr. Harper. Tomorrow you will be saddened and shocked. Today you are too excited. It happened just the way you wanted. I’m sure the billows of smoke rising from Queen Street gave you an erection and I am certain that the billions of dollars loss to Toronto makes your nipples hard. Now you have a reason Mr. Harper. One that you and your thugs and goons created.

Conservative Bullshit 101 

(First disclaimer. By using the word conservative I realize that I am opening up a can of worms. There are many people out there who continue to hold conservative ideals with whom I can hold conversations and friendships. This post is not dedicated to them. This post is dedicated to those ‘neo-conservatives’ who through ignorance, fear mongering and fuzzy logic are destroying the credibility of their brethren and giving the word ‘conservative’ a bad name.)

(Second disclaimer: I am an unabashed liberal.)

These are tough times to be a conservative. Of course all times are tough times to be a conservative. Thus we follow the rule of Von Clausewitz: The best defense is a good offense. Be as offensive as possible at all times.

When in doubt make it up. Nobody really knows the facts anyhow. If need be, just call it the will of God.

Further to this, do NOT listen to the other side. If they were doing God’s will they would be on your side supporting you. If possible don’t even let them talk. Who wants to hear Godless garbage anyhow? If you must, pretend to listen while waiting to be offensive again. This is the mental equivalent of your 3 year old plugging his ears going ‘I can’t hear you’. It works.

Call people names. Liberals hate plain talk so bamboozle them. Mudsling. Remember, it doesn’t matter HOW you win as long as you are on the winning side.

If you do have a fact or two at hand, distort it. Only pansies use real unadorned facts.

Be ignorant. Don’t know the difference between a theory and a hypothesis. (Don’t even bother to look those up). Call someone a Communist Nazi. Who cares if it makes sense. They are both bad and two bad things together MUST be terrible.

Claim higher authority. The Bible is the ultimate arbiter not some silly constitution.

Justify. Rationalize. Win at all costs.

Never concede anything. This is a sign of weakness. If it looks like you might lose a point, attack. It is not about fairness or right and wrong. It is about win and lose. And losers are liberals.

God is a conservative. Period.

When it comes down to it support other conservatives even if what they say or do contradicts any good sense. Not because they are intelligent. Not because they are right. Because they are conservative.

Dear Hollywood,

It’s not me. It’s you. There used to be a time when our romance was fresh. It was exciting! Then you changed.

I’m not exactly sure when it happened, Hollywood. I think I must have been in my late twenties. It’s just the movies you made no longer seemed relevant. Sure they were still fun. As your special effects got better, your movies became more exciting looking. But, Hollywood, they were empty. It was like taking a big bite of cotton candy. Sure your movies looked pretty and tasted sweet but ultimately there was nothing there. And too much was bad for you.

And then your movies became self referential. I hesitate to use the term, masturbatory. A closed cycle. Self loving. Closed to outsiders. Almost as if the purpose of making movies was the purpose of making movies and to hell with the public. 

Sure there are always exceptions. There are always exceptions. But mostly movies didn’t interest me anymore. They were inconsequential. 

Which brings me to this year.

Hollywood, what were you thinking? I am finding it hard, this year, to find a single Hollywood movie that is not based on another medium, a sequel or a remake. It’s like you’ve given up. You don’t care any more. You don’t even want to seem fresh or new. And what the hell was Clash of the Titans? 3D is not plot, character or place. It is a special effect.

So dearest, let’s just go our own ways. You go entice someone who isn’t yet bored with your constant rehashing of old ideas and I’ll go find someone who actually cares enough to entertain me.

With fond memories,

Joel